Monday, July 13, 2009

Rejection series

After having heard him out for approximately 25 minutes, I could not take it any further. I hung up. Hoping he would find me so rude that he wouldn't call me again. He did. After two days. Promptly I disconnected his call and shot off an email saying, we wouldn't be interested in taking discussions further yada yada yada... and not to cast a shadow on your background (I am so poetic no?). His email comes in.

Reproduced below with minor editing.

Hi (my name),

No prob.. In fact i was too not inttrstd to take it up as My bro and Bhabhi insist so . All that mails exchanged to your dad by my brother. When ur dad called me up and asked u to give a call i didnt call as i didnt feel like to call. I called you that day and today I cud nt tell on your dad face No . Secondly, My family is after me to get married which is obviuos. I am very simple person and I cant live with any female as they are very very complicated and selfish.Probably u find me rude in this mail for which am really sorry

Best of Luck in ur serach too . Before I read ur this mail I aleardy said my bro that i am not comfortable in talking to u AND DONT WANT TO TAKE FURTHER ..hope u dont mind..

A big thank you to you for your help by saying No ... atleast my family will not insist u to get in touch with u nymore.

Suitor # 328

His rant about the sisterhood aside, I think what bugs me more than anything else about his email is his inability to string a single sentence of English correctly. I almost feel like going all over his email and fixing all the sentences. Oh well.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

On mimickry

I can picture myself later on... at a party or a get together maybe, slightly high, mostly giggling, entertaining, playing to the crowds. And mimicking accents, conversations, expectations, pretenses of being nice and caring and trying hard to keep up.

Just not right now. Right now, the wound is too raw for it to get peeled off without a care and pretend that it was just a minor incident which didn't really matter.

Eligible boy says it will get over. We hope it gets over fast. Like really fast. And we can finally move on in life.

The Primary Phase

I lifted the title off one of my favourite fiction of all times - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (radio version). Imagine waking up one lousy morning, only to find out that your house has been commissioned to demolish, along with your planet. A little too much to compute and comprehend, and somehow it strangely reminds me of the situation I'm in.

The problem with alcohol is it wears off the next morning, and any decisions that you may have made under the influence demands reasoning. After making the decision to give into the whole arranged marriage scenario, I could not find any compelling argument that I could use to convince me that this is the best step forward. But then again, I could not find any argument to say otherwise. People always say to me - "you are young and free, enjoy it!! Why do you want to get hitched?" And I say, very true, but then you are all either married or in a relationship which leaves me to be the guy who goes to the cinemas and pubs by himself. (You know I do not have a single friend at the moment!!) Dont get me wrong, I'm not wanting to get married because I need someone to buy popcorn for. I just have to stop making all these really bad decisions when it comes to women. One moment, I'm the best friend/company/whatever she's had in ages, next minute she's disappeared off the face of the planet. I read on a pick-up artist's page that one of the first thing that turns women off is a nice guy!!! Yep, its true. If you are a nice guy, you'd end up being the friend who'll be "summoned" whenever the boyfriend turns into a bastard.

There is no end to this argument. So I thought, well if I get married, atleast my folks would be happy. So as soon as I sobered up, I decided to call up dad and give an official nod to marriage. My folks had hinted to me about getting married, since I was approaching 30. So I assumed that me saying "go ahead" would put them to ease, make them happy, excited..funny how that never turned out to be the case...the first thing dad said to me was, "so we'll have the ceremony in kerala, but do you also want to host a reception here in delhi? because I dont like these ceremonies and the concept of presents". You see,my father is a very simple down-to-earth man, he doesnt comply with all the show off that happens during weddings. But I wasnt expecting that. That very comment made it all real. Like a flash, I could see it happening. The whole marriage thing was becoming real!!! FUCK!!! Words started falling out of my mouth, and what I presume made into a sentence was "Sure, i'm not in favour of having any wedding receptions here in Delhi either", and then my brain took over "but thats a bit far off decision to make, dont you think? I mean first you'll have to advertise, compare any prospective matches, get my opinion, all that stuff. I mean that would take a few good months, wouldnt it?" My father is a very smart man, and I feel he detected fear in my voice.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Can I c more of ur pics?

My Ps are in the shopping mode. Like buying clothes for me. See this? What do you think of this? You like this, oh, but you should see others before you finalise have a few in hand. Needless to say, both my Ps as major shopaholics and are probably enjoying their little excursion to the core.

So one has been relenting, playing it fair... if one has agreed, one complies all the way. Now, the deal is, like in the case of clothes, what my parents think I should be wearing and what I think about the same are vastly different. So I get sent profiles by my parents of 'ladka bura nahi hain... family is good... blah blah.

Recently, I got sent profile of a person who my parents were pretty excited about. When I asked them what exactly they were excited about, neither could give me anything beyond the standard 'ladka bura nahi hai' which I have figured by now, is applicable for atleast a million other men.

So suitor #324 (I will henceforth pick a random number to refer to these people... for their privacy & mine) emails in.. 'hope you have seen my profile... if interested we could talk'. I said I did see, and we could. Online communication being the mother of all fuck ups in miscommunication with strangers (and even with friends sometimes) gave me the idea (and not to mention the fact that I could disappear when I liked)... I suggested, not fair that you should spend so much money, lets chat instead. #324 fell for the bait :)

Here is the transcript (parts of it have been masked for privacy)…

9:21 PM suitor #324: hi
9:22 PM me: hey
9:23 PM how are you doing
25 minutes later
9:48 PM suitor #324: good
did u see my profile, where do u live, what do u do
9:50 PM me: thought you spoke to my parents... anyhow i live in delhu
work - mr
market research
9:54 PM suitor #324: me too, are u in facebook, orkut
me: no i am not
9:55 PM suitor #324: can i c more pics of urs
where in Del u live
me: sure, will send more pics...
live in (area name)... r u familiar with delhi
9:57 PM suitor #324: yes very much
which block
my cousins lived in K
me: H... why??
suitor #324: which company u work
9:58 PM me: (company name)
suitor #324: ok,
i know someone there as well
me: who
suitor #324: can u send the pics now
9:59 PM some Banerjee
me: can i send later?
suitor #324: i forgot the first name
me: ok...
suitor #324: if u have now, then send now
me: am sure there are enough banerjees in (company name)
suitor #324: ur parents are in UK right
me: no... i think u r talking to the wrong person lol
my parents are in (country)
10:00 PM suitor #324: ur father told me that he is working abroad
me: yes, (country)
suitor #324: ur mom going to India
me: yeah, there are plans
suitor #324: u live alone
me: do u have any plans of heading to india
yes, i live alone
suitor #324: yes
10:01 PM whats ur phione number
me: its there in the email :)
10:02 PM suitor #324: no its not
me: in my father's email... anyway, it is (number)
suitor #324: cant see
are u open to move to (his country)
10:03 PM me: i can move anywhere
suitor #324: great
I have never heard this name (my name)
what does that mean
me: dont worry, i have heard it many times
suitor #324: listen, I gotta be back in 10 mins, can u wait
me: it means daughter
10:04 PM can we talk over the weekend if thats ok with you
suitor #324: when did u get back to India, where di u go college
yes, i will call u lil later today or tomorrow, can u send the pics now
10:05 PM me: listen, am a little tired and will probably just fall asleep in a while
suitor #324: ok fine
me: can we talk over the weekend
suitor #324: so will wait for pics
me: :)
suitor #324: sure
me: r u at work right now
10:06 PM suitor #324: yea
me: ok, shouldnt disturb i guess
suitor #324: plz send pics now
im curious
me: there is a pic on the profile
it is fairly accurate
suitor #324: i need more if u can
10:07 PM me: if its ok with you, i will send the pics later?
suitor #324: ok sure
me: and dont worry, am not bad to look at
10:08 PM suitor #324: lol, i know
ok, will call tomorrow
me: weekend
suitor #324: ok fine
me: bye

Ok, here is a little exercise for ze brains... count & observe:1) how many times he asks for my pictures, and I express my concern about sharing pics, 2) how many times I tell him I can't talk to him before the weekend, 3) how many times he misunderstands (1) and (2) and finally (4), his asking 3-4 questions in every message he writes out and last, (5) my lack of interest in knowing anything about him in return.

By God's grace, I have not had the pleasure of talking to him again. And I have not had to send more pics either.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

She turned around and said...

"You are a great guy, but I've never thought of you like that!!"..

Who came up with that sentence? I've often wondered. Someone must have come up with this sentence, as they feel like they are quite thought of and well executed. Now for all the guys who've never come across these words, these are the words used upon guys who are technically perfect as a life partner but for some odd unexplained reason, completely incomprehensible. And for the umpteenth time, I've proved myself again as this "friend"...FUCK!!!!

According to my theory, women need two men in their lives - a boyfriend & a best friend!! A best friend is someone they've always dreamed of - loving, caring, understanding, sweet, considerate, humorous and with an ability to know what to say and when to say it. A boyfriend is everything else. I've spent the good part of my conscious life trying to understand why it happens. Why do I end up being his friend?? I'm not camp, have no gay qualities, am an awesome kisser and a pretty good fuck!! (Wow, I've stooped to the level of boasting about my reproductive qualities..neolithic period, here I come!!)

So what do you do? Sometimes you sit and listen to sad Bollywood songs, sometimes you watch porn and other times, you complain to God almighty!!! But after spending 15 years doing that, I'm tired!! I'm tired of being this "cosmopolitan" friend!!! Talking about inconsiderate boyfriends, giving moral support, making them feel special, tell them how much attractive they are, in a platonic way (wtf???) and help them through the bad-breakup phase!!!

Thats when it came to me - I should take the plunge!!! Find a spouse and get married. And then I can channelise all these emotions of mine to someone who truly deserves, appreciates and reciprocates it!!

People have mid life crisis, which can often be quoted as epiphamy!! Mine came at the 1/3rd of mine!! I'm done! I'm done playing the sweet friend..Arranged marriage, here I come!!!

This is new!! I have no idea what lies ahead, but it wont be easy..well more material to write about, eh ;)

P.S.- To everyone who's interested in writing a blog, its a lot more fun when you are under the influence of alcohol, or any other intoxicating product for that matter (take example from Lewis Carroll), provided that you are willing to completely ignore the grammatical and spelling error :D)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The mandatory introductory post

Ok, so we are finally set up, I think. We have two bloggers here... suitable girl and eligible boy. Incidentally, we have noticed that these two characters have surprisingly mirror lives... what one does now, the other is surely to do within a couple of months. So when one of them (we will not name her/ him) declared that they had given the Ps the green signal to be entered into the marriage market, the other declared they had done the same within a couple of months.

So the brief biodata for these two:
Suitable girl (SG)
Age: Unknown
Location: Will not tell you
Likes: Books, chocolates, flowers and almost all good things in life

Eligible boy (EB)
Age: Similar to Suitable girl
Location: Will not tell you
Likes: Women, graphic novels, animation and other good things in life

Where the twain meets:
On this blog.

When SG is faced with a problem, she does 3 things: 1, thinks about ways to run away from it, 2, makes fun of it, 3, starts writing about it.

This time, with EB in partnership (FYI, this is our second 'creative' collaboration), we decided to take on (2) and (3). So this blog emerges.

This blog will give you two very distinct points of view... male & female, optimistic & sceptical, funny & angry, irritated & annoyed, norms & eccentricities of the marriage market, parents, suitors... mostly all at the same time!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Starting a blog

While I sit and read about Global crisis worsening, I wonder, why am I not writing something for this blog?

I have so much fodder already.